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Joke of the Day

"If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you."

"Some people have six packs... I have a keg. My wife, however, has a goddamned brewery."

"What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything."

"I went as a congressional bill for Halloween.... I stayed in the House and didn't do anything."

"[packing for holiday] WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen"

"Your mama is so ugly She fell into a gorilla exhibit and got shot."

"To the man who just got naked in public I admire your balls"

"The Native Americans used to trust the white man, now they have their reservations."

"My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I didn't listen to her or something. Idk I wasn't really paying attention."

"What do you call a black guy in a cockpit? A pilot, you racist bastard."