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Joke of the Day

"I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?"

"""Hey Barack"" ""yes Joe?"" ""I bet T-Rex's took terrible selfies"" ""Ok Joe"" ""Because they had..."" ""Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy"""

"A man was applying for a job in the navy So, the interviewer said. ""Can you swim."" The man looked puzzled and asked. ""Why, did you run out of ships?"""

"How to keep a man happy: 1) Phone him 86 times a day 2) Wail hysterically 3) Be needy 4) Never sleep with him 5) Buy yourself shoes"

"A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? HAA HAA HAA............... The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18."

"If Hillary wins the election... Will she hire immigrants to install the glass ceiling in the White House?"

"I'm not saying she's a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head."

"Yesterday one of my patients told me about the time he sat on his testicles... It was nuts."

"What do you call a gay person on rollerskates rolaids"

"So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?"