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Joke of the Day

"The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building."

"i found out how to kill vegetarian vampires a steak to the heart"

"Sex is like a key and a lock. If a lock can be opened by any key, it's useless. If a key can open any lock, that is a good fucking key."

"My hairdresser doesn't cut my hair any longer.... He cuts it shorter instead."

"Bruno Mars is the best levitating vegetable magician I've ever seen. He can do 24 Carrot Magic in the Air"

"TOP REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: 1) Ted Cruz 2) A gun 3) Your racist uncle 4) A gun in a cowboy hat 5) Jeb Bush 6) Literally a turd"

"What does the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it's offensive to talk about."

"Are you a pilot? Because I'd like a trip straight to Djibouti."

"What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious? Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target"

"A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you'll hear me say 'please don't eat me' ......aaaand send"