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Joke of the Day

"I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch"

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"1) My wife and I are fighting 2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me 3) My phone is in the room where she's sleeping"
"What do you say when God sneezes? Go bless yourself."
"I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, ""It's not your fault."""
"Playing guess the animal with 4yo. 4: it looks like a tiger. Me: a lion? 4: no. Me: leopard? 4: no. Me: i give up 4: it's a tiger"
"""Incontinence hotline... ...can you hold?"""
"""If you like Google Glass, also try Bing Chewables."""
"What does your mother and a neckbeard have in common? They both love Ten D's"
"PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now"
"My boss says I can be a lousy worker at times And I take that as an invitation"
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