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Joke of the Day

"A waitress asks my son what he would like to eat, he replies ""I would like to devour the undead"".... He likes eggs.... Courtesy of my girlfriend"

"I'm just a girl, sitting in her car, wondering what the person I texted ""I'm in the cat"" to, is thinking right now."

"Britney Spears' career That's the joke."

"Given the choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, I would prefer Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it."

"Strategy du jour for combating 5 & 7yo's over-competitiveness: ""First person to say it's a race loses."""

"What did the painting on the wall say to the cop? I've been framed!"

"I put a downward force on the end of a lever arm in hopes to get a cold-cuts sandwich but ended up with a meatball marinara... TL;DR Weight a moment, wrong sub..."

"I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said ""Yes!"". I said ""Good, because I'm breaking up with you."" Fuck you, Chelsey."

"What did the fireman say when he noticed his hammer was on fire? This is not a drill."

"What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Kicked out of the petting zoo."