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Joke of the Day

"Strategy du jour for combating 5 & 7yo's over-competitiveness: ""First person to say it's a race loses."""

"[Cruise ship] ""HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK"" - I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff"

"Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy? He didn't either."

"Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist? Because they could've easily fit another pair of tits in there."

"I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open."

"Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid."

"7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions."

"You're meeting identical triplets tonight. One's from the Army, one's a lifestyle Vegan, and one is a diehard Trump supporter. How do you tell them apart? Don't worry. They'll tell you."

"She was only the stableman's daughter but all the horsemen knew her."

"I just walked across my cat's keyboard while he was filing his tax return."