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Joke of the Day

"[at gym] *spends 45 minutes untangling headphones *drops phone, squats to pick it up Phew! Good workout! *leaves"

"shout out to the little girl at the zoo earlier who said ""when I grow up I want to be bamboo"""

"I used to be a big fan of Michael J Fox... ...but his latest performances have been a little shaky."

"Facebook: ""Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!"" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]"

"4: Where did I come from? Me: Mommy's belly. 4: How'd I get there? Me: I, uh...put you there? 4: How did you... Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!"

"So I stuck a flashdrive up this girls butthole... ..and WOOOOO you won't believe the shit she started singin!!!"

"Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom."

"Astronaut: wtf is this NASA: it's space food A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars N: look we get it but- A: no no I'm coming down"

"The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael They didn't have his sai's."

"Why the F1 driver doesn't get along with his crew? He has thrust issues."