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Joke of the Day

"Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that? Me: No Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin* Me: Nah Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg"

"A Mocking Bird Knock Knock Who's there? Who's there? Who's there who? Who's there who?"

"-911 what's your emergency? -People are pronouncing it EX-presso."

"If you honestly think I want to hear about the details of your dream you're still fucking dreaming."

"I was gonna tell a joke about a pizza but it was way too cheesy!"

"""I'm usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you'll find that I'll really open up."" -Automatic sliding doors"

"[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS"

"My penis is only 6 inches long... But it smells like a foot."

"Why do smart people wear glasses? Because as resolution goes down performance goes up. This is a little bad but...."

"You're right, vegetarian. Meat IS murder. ...and I'm sure no bunnies, squirrels or mice died during the harvesting of your garden salad."