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Joke of the Day

"When someone says ""be honest"" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible."

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"*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds* *turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal* ""So, what did you order?"""
"Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread"
"I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane."
"I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day."
"getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community"
"What do you call a flower in Florida? Orlando Bloom."
"What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a Hummer? A gray and red hairy paste."
"""I am not a human garbage disposal"" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*"
"When I was a kid, my grandfather told me his teeth are like the stars... ...they come out at night."
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