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Joke of the Day

"I asked this vampire to think quietly about what he'd done but then I remembered they can't reflect."

"What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana"

"hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it"

"Why did the man get dumber after he fixed the potholes in the road? Because he re-tarred it."

"Pansexuals are like teenagers They eat whatever is in front of them"

"It's like my father always used to say, ""[years of silent disappointment]"""

"The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester."

"Never accept a rap battle from a cricket unless you know more than five words that rhyme with chirp."

"Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?"

"[Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid."