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Joke of the Day

"[Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid."

"Two penguins were sitting in bathtub... The first penguin says to the second penguin ""Hey, could you pass me the soap?"" The second penguin says ""What do I look like, *a radio?*"

"How did the detective solve his cold-case? He put it in a conviction-oven."

"Drunk girls click ""reply all"" when they talk."

"Which beer did the flower drink that made it realize that it was smarter when it was young? Budweiser"

"How do you make a gay person angry? You tell him you've kidnapped his mother and that you want $5000 for her release, but when he comes just tell him it was a prank."

"7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokemon cards w/out breaking eye contact*"

"OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won"

"When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day"

"A shipment of wigs has been stolen Police are combing the area"