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Joke of the Day

"[restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good"

"Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They go through 50 stories in just a few seconds."

"Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? If they went forward they would fall into the boat."

"Girls and square roots have one thing in common... If they are under 13, do 'em in your head."

"[turning off Shrek 2] well, i'd say that movie was shrekcellent! ""trent, 1 more shrek pun and i'm divorcing you."" oh karen, don't ogre-react"

"My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant. I can't take anything out in time."

"Someone called me immature today. Guess who isn't allowed in my tree house?"

"What is ISIL's favourite dessert? Terrormisu"

"My yoga teacher is awesome. She really bends over backwards."

"Why is Arrested Development funny? Because the farce is strong with that one."