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Joke of the Day

"*job interview* ""So this yearbook isn't your resume?"" ""No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."""

"""There's a guy that jumped off the Pont Neuf!"" He must be in Seine."

"*on date* Me [don't let her know you're married] I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone. Her: oh that's cool. Me: yeah my wife got it for me."

"Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat.."

"Did you hear about the fish that walked into the chip shop?? He got battered!!"

"Me: what do you want for breakfast? 7: a bowl of sugar Me too kid, me too"

"What's long and hard and fucks old people? Osteoporosis"

"Sometimes I make statements in the tone of a question?"

"Where in the world is Comic Sans, Diego?"

"My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages."