120735

Joke of the Day

"I said to the chemist: ""Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?"" He said: ""Why?"" I said: ""She keeps waking up."""

"What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa"

"When to leave your girlfriend? When your wife's clothes start to fit her."

"ME: ""I don't like this movie."" HIM: ""We are at a funeral."" ME: ""Who directed this?"" HIM: ""A bear attack."" ME: ""Never heard of him."""

"Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee."

"[taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard"

"Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well you've got it again!"

"If you do not say it, they can't repeat it."

"6.9 is worse than 69 because... it's interrupted by a period."

"Little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs viagra Mom replies "" What the hell for?"" Boy replies ""Isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"""