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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies"

"What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches! Thought you all would like this one."

"Pedophilia You grow into it."

"Why was Helen Keller a terrible driver? Because she was a woman"

"I'd read a book written by the person who pushes the room service cart into people's hotel rooms."

"I have a lot of guilt from things I've done in the past so I'm grateful Twitter allows me to focus my pent up anger on strangers."

"What do fish talk about at work? Current events"

"Why was the broom late for work? It over swept."

"What's the best part of having Alzheimer's? You get to meet new people everyday!"

"""Mom, I hate the word, 'Hemorrhoid'. It's like a weird planet. Hi,I'm Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!"" -my 12yr old"