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Joke of the Day

"Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend."

"What does a cell that's full of shit do? Lyse."

"What's the do a girlfriend and an ice cream cone have in common? The ones that are hot don't last as long"

"Why didn't the motorcycle want to go for a ride? It was two tired..."

"Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number."

"What do you call a German thief? A Hamburglar."

"What did the zero say to the eight? ""Nice belt, fuckface."""

"What do you call a pair of sadomasochists who break up as soon as the going gets tough? Fair leather friends"

"Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep! That's what my gastroentomologist told me."

"[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor"