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Joke of the Day

"*desperately tries to get screaming newborn daughter latched onto my nipple* hmmmm. she must not realize I'm a feminist"

"Why did the walrus go to the tupperware store? Because he wanted a tight seal."

"What do cannibal parents tell their kids when they become picky eaters? Eat the vegetables"

"What do you get when you cross a Dachshund, a Schnauzer, a Shih Tzu, and a Poodle? A Wienerschnitzel."

"What do you call a large predatory bird with poor social skills? Hawkward"

"There are two types of people in the world... Those who can read between the lines."

"Mary had a little sheep and with the sheep she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram so Mary had a little lamb."

"Why was the chess player pregnant? Because they were mated."

"What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? Go ask your mom"

"ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again"