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Joke of the Day

"I'm 87% sure ""snooze button"" time is sped up and ""waiting for the microwave"" time is slowed down and this is not okay."

"""Give it to me,""She begged. ""I'm so wet! Give it to me now!"" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella."

"Agoraphobia I didn't go to my Agoraphobics Anonymous meeting today, obviously."

"Before i was born, i was given two choices 1. Have a large penis but suffer from memory loss. 2. Have a tiny penis but be very smart and remember everything. I do not remember which option i took."

"I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence."

"How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? ""Please get out of the pool"""

"Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said ""DON'T WALK""."

"What's an Xbox fanboys' least favourite film? P.S. I Love You"

"If by ""flexible"" you mean ""can I get my foot behind my head?"" then yes, I am. If you mean ""can I get my foot back down?"" then no, I am not."

"An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks ""so what's next for you"""