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Joke of the Day

"My wife said: ""Can my mother come down for the weekend?"" So I said: ""Why?"" And she said: ""Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."""

"I'm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, tell them, I'm outstanding."

"It's weird how in England the passenger drives the car"

"What do hitler and a boston marathon runner have in common The inability to finish a race"

"I was going to have a wank at the Vatican while I was there on vacation. But I thought about it and it has probably been done before and I would hate to be seen as the second coming."

"Is bb-8 hungry? No, BB-8."

"Congrats, you've been selected for the job Me: Whats the salary? 10k now and will increase to 25k later Me: Ok then, I will come later"

"Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because its two tired."

"A schizophrenic soldier took an enemy battalion prisoner. It was easy, he had them surrounded."

"Owning a sword is like being a horny priest... Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law."