119082

Joke of the Day

"If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I'm with family or a girl."

"Fidel Castro was alive?"

"How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice? They use extractor fangs."

"A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story"

"Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'."

"I've had enough of this shit. I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours."

"*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*"

"48% of soda fountains tested positive for possible fecal contamination, meaning it's likely you've unknowingly been drinking cream soda."

"The other day I saw a brother holding his sister's hand while walking How...touching."

"How much skin does it take to cover a vagina? /sticks out tongue"