118647

Joke of the Day

"Some people wake up in the morning & are all like ""omg I'm the luckiest person in the world"" and I wake up all like ""oh my god"""

"[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks."

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass."

"I just saw a guy running a race and masturbating at the same time. I wonder what place he'll come in."

"Q: Where do mentally unstable trees go? A: The insane a-xylem."

"Why are there so few black hockey players? Because there was no cotton in Canada."

"Two crows sitting on a fence. Attempted murder."

"Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"

"I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?"

"I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my Granddad in that concentration camp during the war... Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion..."