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Joke of the Day

"In my past life I was a turtle... It is all slowly coming back to me."

"What do you call a Mexican that loses a car? Carlos."

"[pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?"

"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? You have perfect eyesight."

"CAT HOSPITAL Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital? A: To have a CAT scan done."

"Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food."

"it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying ""pasta la vista, baby"" to people. why would you put that on a resume"

"My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral."

"What did the worm say to the other when he was late home ? Where in earth have you been !"

"Dear fork, I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork. Love always, Spoon PS: he has your hair."