118062

Joke of the Day

"My cousin Denise's baby Alpo was born with no feet and a full adult penis because she drank Four Loko when she was pregnant :("

"ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now"

"Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers."

"I could've chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime."

"What do you call a book case hogging all the books? Shelf-ish"

"Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much."

"I went to a General Store the other day. Couldn't find anything specific."

"Why was the killer's watch arrested? Because it was proven to be accessory to murder."

"All food I purchase should read: ""Serving Size: Probably This Entire Box In Less Than An Hour, You Fat Fuck."""

"Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel ... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go."