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Joke of the Day

"""I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure."" - Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently."

"All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet. I'm basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi."

"Yes, 911?... Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him...or her?"

"The grass is always greener on the other side Because if we let you in you'd just ruin it for the rest of us."

"Can you name all the dissimilarities between men and women? I can't either, but I'm sure there's a vas deferens."

"My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on. It was the Absolut wurst."

"Can you identify yourself!! Police officer: ""Can you identify yourself, sir?"" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: ""Yes, it's me."""

"The best part of dating a homeless girl is You can drop her off anywhere."

"My dad and I never got along We have been butting heads since the womb"

"I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat."