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Joke of the Day

"Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices."

"The best part of having a beard is that it covers up like 40% of my terrible face"

"I went to the doctors the other day. I said ""every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!"" ""Have you been taking anything for it?"" He asked. ""Yeah, pepper"""

"I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish"

"The Jolly Green Giant is into bondage. I guess you could call him a collared green."

"The other day I was laying down a carpet... ...and my friend Speedy Gonzales was helping me. At one point I said, ""Have I missed anything, Speedy?"" And Speedy says, ""Underlay, underlay!"""

"How did the cynic die? He died of liver failure. He took everything with a pinch of salt."

"I'm very anti-slavery, but boy do I hate laundry."

"How do you get a nun pregnant ? Fuck her."

"""Lifehack"" is now just synonymous with ""action."" ""A great lifehack for becoming a doctor is going to medical school!"""