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Joke of the Day

"i would like to join whatever weight loss program my wallet is on because its working wonders"

"Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!"

"My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player... I want us to see other people."

"The other day I saw a short man carrying an LED tv and I asked "" hey do you help carrying that tv?"" And he replied all pissed off ""Fuck off dude, this is my tablet"""

"The past, the present and the future had a meeting. It was tense in there."

"What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ? A dollar."

"What is the difference between Donald Trump and Bill Clinton? Ivanka didn't keep the dress"

"I saw something yesterday that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it."

"Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it."

"My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating."