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Joke of the Day

"Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude's been doing to his hair."

"[Baby trying to say first words] Baby: b..bu Me: cmon son Baby: bu..bu..s Wife: Yes sweetheart Baby: Bush did 9/11 Me[tearing up]: He knows"

"Anniversary present Wife tells her husband that she wants something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds. And on their anniversary her husband hands her a scale."

"Wine - you're gonna sleep good Beer - you're probably going to hit on your cousin. Whiskey - everyone will see your genitals."

"The guy who invented the crossword is buried in my town's cemetery... His grave is the 7th one down and the 3rd one across."

"[After date, walking her to her door] Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don't want to."

"Sun Tzu's The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes"

"That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it's still the same principal that had to call your parents."

"My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month."

"Bigger Breasts Wife: ""How can I make my breasts bigger?"" Husband: ""Just rub toilet paper between them"" Wife: ""Why would that work?"" Husband: ""It worked on your butt"""