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Joke of the Day

"Ever have to pee SO bad that you're surprised that what comes out isn't mostly blood?"

"I think that even the most strident libertarian would agree that the US founders never envisioned the unchecked powers of the Girl Scouts."

"What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire? How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)"

"A man asks god... Man:""Why did you make women so beautiful?"" God:""So you would love her."" Man:""Then why did you make her so dumb?"" God:""So she would love you."""

"What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors."

"What did the McDonald's addict suddenly realize? ...I'm lovin' shit"

"what did the captain say when the navigator complained they were off course? don't give me that latitude"

"My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers To be honest, I should have seen the signs."

"Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once"

"Bernie Sanders only has one night stands It's totally not his choice, but women tend not to call back once they still Feel The Bern the next morning."