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Joke of the Day

"I think that even the most strident libertarian would agree that the US founders never envisioned the unchecked powers of the Girl Scouts."

"If I had an email for every Hillary Clinton joke being made right now I'd have none."

"I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes."

"ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]"

"what is brown and sticky? A stick"

"Anyone: I'm cold Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I'm not your mother Dog: *shivers once* Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE"

"Why did Eva Braun dislike giving Hitler blowjobs? Because he left a Nazi taste in her mouth."

"No, YOUR incapable of properly employing the second-person possessive pronoun."

"Girl, are you expansionary monetary policy? Because my Aggregate Demand is growing."

"I'm going to put my grandmother on speed dial. I'll call it Instagram."