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Joke of the Day

"My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush."

"What musical instrument can be found in nearly every Bathroom? ... ... A tuba toothpaste."

"GF: ""you're so childish"" me: ""it's my day too linda"" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: ""so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"""

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer ""I'm leaving you for an NSA officer,"" she said. ""But why? What does he have that I don't?"" ""He listens to me."""

"What's the difference between feminists and guns? Guns only have one trigger. At the time I was writing this, my mom and sister were in the middle of a death battle yelling match, help."

"I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 8 fellas but dropped his microphone on his foot.......and shouted ""Fuck me!"" What happened next will haunt me for life!!"

"When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife."

"What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser? Depth perception."

"[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: ""Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."""

"Why can't Stevie Wonder read? Because he's black."