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Joke of the Day

"Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can't eat this! Him: Does it matter that much? Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?"

"My date told me I have nice skin. It's not like he's gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*"

"April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are."

"When does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish."

"The best thing about Twitter & Instagram is that every girl finally gets to be a princess, or a _princess, or even a prin_cess."

"Who's the biggest celebrity in the Vegetable world? Ocra Winfrey"

"I'd rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard."

"The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice. Courtesy of Mary Poppins."

"Jesus walks into a motel He gives the guy at the counter 3 nails and says, ""can you put me up for the night?"""

"What do young ghosts call their parents? Deady and Mummy."