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Joke of the Day

"Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am independent"

"I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be ""saved"" or you'll ""burn""... Stupid Firemen. [x-post /r/Christianity]"

"After seeing your latest selfie ... And knowing what you look like in real life.... I'd like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities."

"Why did the personal trainer break up with his girlfriend? She just wasn't working out."

"""Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!"" ""Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."""

"So my dad was at the hardware store and asked if I needed anything. I said I was hungry and he said... ""Sure I'll get you some nuts ;)"""

"who is Godzilla's least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW"

"What's the difference between a lobster with implants and an old, dirty bus stop? One's a busty crustacean and one's a crusty bus station."

"How do you catch a peculiar rabbit? Unique up on it."

"You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I'm like that, but with salad."