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Joke of the Day

"A patient wakes up and yells ""I can't feel my legs!!!"" The doctor says, ""Of course you can't! I amputated your arms."""

"This isn't a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a love machine."

"Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement... ... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it."

"Hey baby, are you an oven? Because you've had a lot of Jews inside of you."

"*Gets called into HR Me: What was I accused of now? HR: I haven't had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?"

"How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?"

"Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine."

"I had issues with my wireless mouse... ...so i got a cable cat and now my problems are solved"

"When my dad caught me smoking a cigarette he took me out to the shed and forced me to teach him how to be hella cool."

"Bush Senior broke his neck He was trying to show Jeb Bush how to dodge wrenches, hey Jeb if George can dog a shoe then I can dog wrench!"