114126

Joke of the Day

"Best part of cleaning the apartment is putting new magazines on the coffee table so you can look cultured for the guests you don't have over"

"A woman visits an astrologer Astrologer: Would you like me to tell you your husband's future? Woman: No you tell me his past, I'll decide his future."

"No thanks private caller, I don't even answer the phone when I know who it is"

"My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don't blame me. I'm not the racist code programmer."

"One of My Ex's was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn't workout because all she wanted to do was SWING. I miss third grade."

"What does a Russian need to drink to get his alcohol level to 200mg.. ..nothing for 3 days."

"I come to Twitter for the recipe trading, but I stay for the overt racism!"

"What is the sexiest pair of lingerie? Your mother's thigh highs and a Freudian slip."

"Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby."

"I was on a ride at a funfair. One minute I was laughing my head off. Next I felt angry. Then I just became very sad. Turns out I was on an emotional roller coaster."