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Joke of the Day

":# <--- emoticon for ""I'm eating a brillo pad"""

"ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home. DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today."

"Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?"

"GUY 1: I beat cancer GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe GUY 1: So what? GUY 2: And I didn't tell anyone about it when I got back GUY 1: You win"

"A new species of fish have evolved to have wrists They're called metacarpals."

"So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance."

"I'm about as excited for hilary to be president, as Bill is when he sees her naked."

"Just because I can't spell Armygeddan..... Doesn't mean its the end of the world...."

"What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre"

"On Viagra Guidlines If I was ever able to keep an erection for more than four hours, I would be calling the girl with a visible thong who handed me a pencil in calc, not my doctor"