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Joke of the Day

"*at casino* When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both. It will leave him speechless."

"NOW THAT is a great looking tie! just. WOW. I mean, SHIT, that's nice! seriously, that tie is fucking PERFECT! ... I ran over your kid."

"How often does Mary see her special friend? Periodically."

"Did you hear Ben and Jerry are going to bring out a special line of LGBT ice-cream? They're gonna call it Ambrusia."

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts cost $2.00, but deer nuts are under a buck!"

"- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer? - Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with ""Please wait while your computer shuts down""..."

"I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky ""cut the cheese"" at least 50 times."

"Never trust an Atom They make up everything."

"This generation will go down as, perhaps, the greatest in history at taking pictures of themselves."

"You've gotta be careful talking to Steve Jobs because he'll say the word 'eyeballs' and really be referring to his custom-made Apple gonads."