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Joke of the Day

"Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like ""did you get my text?"" and you could just be like ""I can't read."""

"Where do boxers punch each other the most? In the ring."

"Me: what make of dog is that? Her: breed Me [hands on knees]: I am, I'm just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is"

"[furniture store] Wife: We're putting in a bar. Salesman: OK Wife: And... S: Yes? W: Go ahead, say it. Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE."

"CORDUROY PILLOWS Making headlines"

"What did Peyton Manning do yesterday? ...played footbal but lost and made ppl sad as fuck. joke's on the ppl cus their sad as fuck and i dont care"

"Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me."

"Relationships are like yard sales.... They look like fun from a couple yards away, but up close it's just a bunch of crap you don't need."

"How did the dyslexic American mathematician sing the first line of his national anthem? ""Oh secant, you say?"""

"When I'm sad I go to the fabric softener aisle of a store & imagine I'm in the clean mountains surrounded by blue sparkles and wild flowers."