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Joke of the Day

"How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex. I called her."

"Pilot: ""What does this button do?"" *intercom turns on* Pilot: ""Doesn't do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do."""

"I'm so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I'm going to instagram it first. Don't be crazy"

"What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees? All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite..."

"Incognito mode on google chrome is useless.. Everyone in the library can still see me wanking"

"If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions."

"""Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals!"" Hitler: ""Mine fewer then"" Reddit: ""I did **not see** that coming"" EDIT: Shit, I didn't get that Reich at all"

"How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label."

"We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails."

"The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing."