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Joke of the Day

"Earlier I joked that Toronto was the capital of Canada. ""Joked"" being the operative word. Everyone knows only real countries have capitals."

"Describe yourself in three words. Lazy."

"I hear voices in my head sometimes. I just ignore them and keep killing people."

"If you're going to have sex with someone you don't know, always ask... ..."

"I told a chem joke today... There was no reaction."

"A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it's stuck in my wiper. I guess I don't have to stop to get supper tonight."

"Just kick higher, dammit! This isn't Rockette science."

"My wife informs me that today our 2YO daughter said, ""fart,"" and laughed uproariously. Three times. So, yeah. That one's mine."

"If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom."

"I tried ""Netflix and chill?"" on my wife. We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls."