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Joke of the Day

"The Puritans were a bunch of stuck-up pricks. They had such a holier-than-thou attitude."

"(My wedding day) Grandma: You remind me so much of your father Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot G: Your father was a disappointment also"

"Fun Fact By law, fun facts don't have to be true, but actual facts do. Just a fun fact I thought I'd share."

"What do Aids, Syphilis and Chlamydia have in common? Your mom."

"Don't you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels."

"I guess I've cut back on my drinking... Time was, I'd buy a half gallon of bourbon and get drunk four times. Now I buy a half gallon and just get drunk twice."

"[couples therapy] HER: He's always talking down to me ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen"

"What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked ON the moon, and Michael Jackson had sex with kids."

"If Trump becomes president, I would really like to see how Republicans are going to defend him for doing the same thing Obama did: Nothing."

"Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit."