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Joke of the Day

"If republicans stand up and clap I get a shot, if democrats stand up and clap I have to buy someone a shot who can't afford it. #sotu"

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I have Barry Manilow's disease! ""What are your symptoms?"" ""I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!"""

"Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I'm pretty sure I love pancakes."

"I don't want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don't have to finish it."

"WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft"

"I have invented a new game. You lock yourself and 9 other friends in a house that has 2 bathrooms. You all then take a load of laxative and fight over the toilets. I call it 'Game Of Thrones'"

"Why don't landmines work on Africans? Because they aren't heavy enough to set it off"

"Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?"

"They're getting rid of all our Fossil Fuels to go 100% Electric?! Oil go Volt! No votes, really? No one gets this joke, I see."

"How did the medical community come up with the term ""PMS""? ""Mad Cow Disease"" was already taken."