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Joke of the Day

"[guy jokingly refers to america as 'murica, everyone starts applauding; I basically hork up a damn lung from laughing my shit off so hard]"

"If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European"

"First they find ice on Mars.. ..now they find water.. ..next they will find Scotch.. ..NASA hell-bent on proving Men are from Mars.."

"You know when you find the BEST hiding place ever to keep something safe and it's so good you forget where it was? That's me and passwords."

"My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley. Clearly, I'm going to hell. My kids don't know what Bob Marley looks like"

"What do you call a fat girl that committed a murder? Killer Whale."

"What do you call a black guy flying a plane? Pilot, you fucking racist!"

"I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I'm still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer."

"What's the difference between scouts and jews? The scouts return from camp."

"Rules to live by: 1. Be kind to strangers 2. Don't cheat on your taxes 3. Everything in moderation 4. Bury the body at sea"