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Joke of the Day

"How do you know a girl is too young for you? When you have to make airplane noises to get your dick in her mouth"

"It's weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn't show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future."

"I'm aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late."

"*flips over table* *table flips back up* Table: You got a problem? Me: DO YOU? Table: ... Me: HUH? Table: ... Me: I SAID DO WE HA- Table: No"

"A woman just asked me if I'd like to help fight bigotry today but she was holding a clipboard so I said no."

"It's unseasonably warm in New York. Let's go outside and stare at our phones."

"I would tell you a joke about a vampire... ...but it would probably suck."

"My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth."

"""Don't Ask, Don't Tell"" is history, but can we at least keep the ""Don't Tell"" part around for people who love to talk about being vegan?"

"You're telling me, a chicken fried this rice"