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Joke of the Day

"It's unseasonably warm in New York. Let's go outside and stare at our phones."

"A horse walks into a bar in Area 51 and the bartender asks [punchline has been deleted by the American Government]"

"A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings"

"I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl... I dunno, I thought she was older than that. I guess that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father."

"I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill... Apparently a turban, beard and backpack wasn't what they had in mind"

"Yo momma is so fat Her toenails aren't painted, just redshifted"

"What do you call a supernatural being that only grants wishes to men? A miso-genie!"

"Nothing says ""I don't take you seriously"" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him."

"[1st date] [to self] Don't let her know ur a boa constrictor Her: ""How's your meal?"" [i've dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]"

"I was at the Natural History Museum and I saw the Neanderthal exhibit. Those guys were buff studs. no homo"