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Joke of the Day

"My body is like a Greek statue. Even if the staff at the museum don't think so."

"I won't take a bullet for anyone because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move."

"If you hear someone sing Jingle Bells and you don't respond with Batman smells then I don't wanna be friends with you."

"Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other"

"Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom."

"Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits."

"First time I got high was pretty intense. I was in the back seat of my brothers car. Must have been some good shit since I'm an only child."

"I got fired from my job at the pasta factory after a fusilli mistakes."

"The definition of an oxymoron /r/Productivity"

"Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet? To remind them why there's no money in it"