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Joke of the Day

"I get my wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

"I figured out that if I have my kids hold on to my cell phone, I will never forget them anywhere again."

"Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise."

"As soon as you see the cop approaching, throw the bag of weed in his hands and do a citizen's arrest."

"Hilary Clinton is elected president ... FTFY"

"Did you hear that Jim Carrey lost his left arm in a horrific accident? I guess that makes him all-righty then."

"What do authors do when they are being chased? They make like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde!"

"Why do women spend less time in prison than men? Because a period ends a sentence."

"-Babe, I can't find the condom, what if we don't use it? -Sure, I'm ready to be a mother anyways. -No, no. Look, I found it!"

"If I had 9 lives I'd stick my butthole in your face too."