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Joke of the Day

"Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted Wife: Ya? Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works Her:.. Me: No way a baby's gettin in here."

"Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind"

"Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!"

"A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink... When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, ""Bartender, how much do I owe you?"" The bartender replies, ""For you, neutron, no charge."""

"What do you call a German dust storm? A Jewish family reunion."

"One half of reddit will be mortified, the other will laugh at this joke. What did the south tower say to the north? BRB man, I've got to catch a plane. Im soz."

"Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die"

"TIL there are 45000 breatharians in the U.S. 44999, # 44998..."

"Are we heading in the right direction, Yoda? - ""Off-course we are"""

"Whatever happens tomorrow... ...Thanks Obama."