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Joke of the Day

"My brother just fed my 10 m.o. nephew a whole bowl guacamole before dropping him off with me. Now I've gotta change the diaper. What a dip shit."

"Pete Rose had a 90 second ovation at the all star game. It brought a tear to his eye.... Because he took the over."

"H: I think we should see other people. Me: Do I have to? I don't even really want to see you."

"When choosing a bottle of wine, it's good to pick one with a picture of the animal you'd most like to get drunk with on the label."

"What do snakes have on their bath towels ? Hiss and Hers !"

"People complain about the weather and politics till the cows come home... and then they complain about how there are cows in their house."

"The characters from Dragon Ball Z aren't that super Just saiyan"

"What did the ascetic say when he broke his fast? [OC] I think I'll go on a diet!"

"I came in like a lion and went out like a kitten."

"*Pays $450 for ticket to hockey game. *spends the whole game on iPhone."