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Joke of the Day

"Bad News: I'm back on Ambien. Good News: Side effects include the chance of hallucinations. Best News: Just ate lunch with Jesus."

"What is your mom's favorite animal? An armadildo"

"What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem- Surprise! (it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)"

"How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don't have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off."

"A mother asks her son What is school like? It's terrible, we have to do all the work, but the teachers get paid."

"What did one eye say to the other? Between you and I, something smells."

"*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate..."

"A Diamond Comes home to his Coal wife and Coal Child He says ""I've been under a lot of pressure lately (Edit: Just realized this was on the front page gaddamit)"

"Why did all the native people move out East? Because there is no work out there."

"Don't trust atoms. They make up everything."