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Joke of the Day

"Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the undies"

"ok that's baby's 17th word *opens baby journal* so far we've got flerch, yarf, veerm... honey has it occured to you our kid is an idiot"

"teaching my 1yo daughter to shout ""Mike Wazowski!"" every time someone opens a closet door"

"Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault because its a bit rapier."

"After moving to a boring part of the West, what did Sauron say when he spotted gaps around the threshold to his home? I need more door."

"What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business."

"A skink and a skunk had a baby what did they call it? Bustamante. After the grandfather."

"Me: I couldn't eat another thing. Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some."

"Three types of people... There are three types of people in this world. Those who are odd, and those who literally can't even."

"My pick-up line used to be ""Hey babe, I'm a hotspot. Wanna log-on""? doesn't work anymore, now they just yell at me ""fuck off you homeless begger""."